Pissing On Today

Have you noticed how your ego, that self that you logically and mechanically live from, cannot llive in the present? It wants to, but it can't. Do you see how it leads you away? It leads you to yesterday (the way things used to be) or tomorrow (things that could be or revisited). It is good at dreaming and hoping, but it cannot live in right now. It lives just outside (to the split second) of before and after. No wonder we are so messed up. We are constantly dreaming and hoping for a state we never, ever allow ourselves to visit. HMMMMM.... r

In Justice There's None

Be careful in what Truth you feel you should pass on. You might not be able to handle their persecution. If this Truth you think you have is justified or real, why do you feel somebody else should have or hear it? Why would a person in Truth, subject themselves to the possibility of something that is not of it? it could only be for the sake of argument or padding the identity to be right. It is because they are not in Truth, they are residing in their ego self disguised as being helpful or purposeful and have not, as yet, fully understood it's meaning. Enough of this nonsense. You still fear the idea that you are alone, don't you? Trudge carefully. Leave people alone and find your own way.

Cycling

As I come in from a hard ride, there is a chair outside my front door. I lean my bike against a tree and I sit. As the endorphins rush in to greet me, I am very comfortable with my efforts. I am thankful for the wonderful opportunity to which I have been given. The endorphins leave and I lay exhausted. The body is at rest and the mind rejuvenated, but there is something else. There is a moment of connection. There is a point to which I am connected with the One, wonderful universe. I know and see the one life and I am truly with myself.

ta boot

"...kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town, waiting for something or someone to show you the way..." Time - Pink Floyd

Martha or Mary?

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, pick his cross daily and follow me." Not like Martha, but like Mary, leave it at, "Me." Take nothing with you today, just leave the field empty. If you do, you will be crying by morning.

10 eyes

How is it, that in life, I am separate from God, but in death, I am joined with God? I am not buying what they are selling. The ideas of man are only creating divisions in me. If I believe I am with God, then who and what are these different selves. What is this "I" that wants to be separate? If I am with, what can be or what is, against? My ideas, whether bought or learned, must be wrong. I should turn in early, I am tired of listening to I.

Michael Buffer

If we are still fighting life, it is because we are not sufficiently tired of fighting. We have to get tired of fighting, but with an intelligent understanding of it's futility (uselessness) not with a feeling of despondency (hopelessness).

Vernon Howard 'Esoteric Mind Power'

Les Miserables

If I say, "I am miserable," then I am referring to the "i" that knows misery. Along with misery, it also knows excitement, depression, anxiety and worry. It secretly craves it, unaware of the opposite results. As long as I live from this small "i," I will always be at the mercy of it's pendulum swings. These are the opposites of desire and passion, approval and purpose. Since I have lived in this old and familiar state, time and time again, I will ask the same question again and again, "Where did all my joy go?" I have seen this experience many times. It is especially true after the heights of some "spiritual" experience, which always plummet the very next day. My mind may have thought it understood, but it didn't. It was only giving itself it's only known anecdote for pain, a created and conditioned tourniquet. I may blunder a thousand more times with this, but if I am careful to proceed more slowly and unafraid, if I see that I have not as yet understood, then I can now safely move towards a deeper understanding without the familiar guilt, judgement, loss or condemnation, that always seems to follow.

Upon Further Review

I cannot write too much. I cannot review and go over my life enough. I cannot seek forgiveness too often. Living in my past is not the intent, or is it? Am I still being badgered by something familiar or have I just learned to run faster, to be a better magician? The amount of pain in my life seems to be equal to the amount of deception that continues to stir up echoes. I see much deeper questions: Am I still desiring my father's approval? Do I live my life seeking the approval of others? Is there still present, a significant other, that I desire to hear that what I have done or that what I am doing is good or is being smiled upon? Is this what motivates me? Is this my secret inspiration? Have I not yet learned that I am okay and have I not yet learned to approve myself (to forgive myself)? Odd as it may seem, when there is a "good job" spoken, or a "its beautiful" mentioned, there is no inward satisfaction or contentment. Yet, I continue to tip toe around, working and living in secret from others and verbally lying about great things I have done or can do, all so that I may set-up and reject commendation from the one's I desire approval. There is anger and resentment present. This is what darkness can do. This is what my false nature does. If I knew I could view my inner world in complete safety, there would be no roadblocks from guilt. There would be no smokescreens of judgement or slashes of condemnation. If I could just hold out long enough these angry, bashing and constant waves may dissipate, but as long as I refrain from seeing them, as long as I continue to hold out without standing up and seeing them for what they really are, their attacks will never relinquish. I see that the need for approval is a sick hoax. Today, I will make something beautiful, take a step back, smile and then move on.

Cascade

If you think we are all the same, try loading a dishwasher with another person.

Time Table

So you think wisdom and age are the same thing? If you wait until you get old to gain wisdom, there are things that will begin to occur that influence your receptivity. Solomon said not to wait, because you may not see so well, walk so well or hear so well. It is already much steeper than you think, so imagine not having all of your faculties. When the faculties wither, what will you do then? I know what you will do. You will call on God to provide energy or understanding to keep you afloat. He will not, because Truth is not your ideas, your thoughts or your body. You can thank HIM for being something higher. You do not consider this, do you? You think you will live forever. You think you are your body, your thoughts and your ideas, but the body will fade, thought will increase and your ideas will be of no more use. Christ's words are eternal. Your ideas about Christ's words are finite. Seek the things that cannot fade and begin to live from that. Start now!

Post Up

"In the world but not of it," does not mean I am are not in the world. I occupy both time and eternity. Where am I facing and where I see myself is an acknowledgement of this consciousness.

Texas Wild Fires

If a man walks into a fire, thinking God will put it out, he will most likely get burned by it. The "good self" cannot reform the "bad self", (Vernon Howard). I need not continue to face the fire. Darkness demands that I live in conflict, suggesting that my philosophies and opinions make me unique. That I must personalize with my strife, and fight, to rise above it or separate myself from people, in other words, to "fix" the tension. This is what a sick, secret society does. Cannot I not turn my back to it, all of it? Darkness wants to get me cornered. When I try to create a mental truth, I am unconsciously, separating myself from oneness with what is good. I am learning that the bad self is an isolated, secret self. A self which totally operates within the boundaries of the mind. It's life spring is not life, but a constantly streaming film of mental images to which I personalize. It fuels illusions. There is no basis for what it does. It is not connected to anything. I turn myself over to it constantly, fueling more fire. Subsequently, all my relationships are based on this process: The need to be right, to be desirable, yet different. It is impossible to be above and with at the same time. Can I not see these conversations? The good self cannot reform the bad self. What direction must I turn? I don't know, but I must look at the direction I am facing and ask myself: Am I getting burned?

Guilt

Guilt is an illusion of not being. Whenever I feel guilty, it is because something has bumped into a memory. Something has re-occurred. It is not new and needs a neutral investigation (especially if I have sensed this illness before) on my part. I have created a sensation or feeling and that feeling is entirely based on a memory, past experience, previous response or ideation as to what I think, or others think, I need to be. I am in conflict. It is a condition that has originated in my mind and it can, and usually, involves others. I have allowed a philosophy or doctrine, about whatever, to lead into an imaginary world of white houses and white picket fences. My response to this phenomena is negative. I act because, inwardly, I feel inadequate. Do others try to create this way of life in me? Absolutely, because man is evil. Man is not to blame because he is asleep. No one is to blame, because that starts it all over again. I cannot blame myself or point a finger, either. Am I to live according to their principles? Absolutely not, but I don't see that I do. I am asleep. I hand myself over every time and it is the motivator in everything I do and I resent it deeply. That is obvious because I am not happy. What about my body? What about desire and passion? What about those identifications with what I think I should be? It is all relative and I should look at this pattern. I must break off these relationships. It is hard to do if I am constantly fed the food of artificial stimulation. In other words, my identifications are joined not with who I am, but with who I think I should be. Try to see this.

Best Prayer

I want to be different. Help me.

Marinating

It is better to work with a principle for a few days, then to constantly hammer away at daily insights.

Ride Like The Wind

So you are sitting there and don't know what to do. Your body does not have the want to entertain this mental energy. Close your eyes. Take a deep and purposeful breath. Watch closely your mental thoughts, see the images as they race across the screen. Let those pictures of you, and even me, flow past. Listen. Let things settle down. Relax your body. Let it go. If you see images, that were of some previous importance, let those go too. Clear the mechanism. There is a different energy here. A positive one that does not need your guidance. Let it take hold of you, now, without thought. Breathe deeply and relax. "The wind blows where it may. You hear it's sound, but you do not know the direction it comes from or where it is going. So it is with those born of the spirit." It is okay to get up now. Open your eyes. You may proceed, but notice where you are and what you are doing. Don't rush. Take it all in, casually. Know that you breathe, that you walk, that you sit and that you eat.

On The Hunt

Fanatical Dogmas demand that one must take up his hammer and tear down the walls to the kingdom of heaven, but there remain a quiet few who suggest that an individual learn to remove himself, become the hunted and let Truth find him.

Regeneration

Lay down your books, put away your sword and armour and go experience the world. Involve yourself with your life and the daily gifts and beauty that surround you. See what is there. The books will wait and the shield never again needs to be picked up. You have enough knowledge crammed in there. It will come out when it is right. You have yourself, but do not know it. Even the ants have become more proficient than you.

Ceiling Fans

As I lay back on my bed after a cleansing shower, I found myself looking at my bedroom ceiling fan. I noticed the blades spinning in one direction and within the same circle. I begin to notice how my mind works in much the same way. Upon the blades were thought, feelings, health, my body, job, money, worry, religion, anxiety, depression, pain, relationships, so on and so forth. Constant movement, constant motion spinning at a high rate of speed, in the same direction, returning to itself time and time again. Attaching my sight to one blade only made me dizzy and difficult to keep up with. Then I noticed that there was something different. The light. Only fractions of an inch away, the light stood still, unwavering. The stillness of the light was comforting, but only momentarily, as I soon returned to the spinning of the blades and the all familiar desires of sensitization and the wants of myself. Christ spoke often of division and the leaving of desire and passion (the inter workings of the self). He was very specific in his teachings about truth. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, pick up his cross daily and follow me." Within the ceiling fan was an opportunity to see this division. It is important for me to see the existence of both the mind (the blades) and what is still (the light). That I exist in both movement and stillness. To see these different paths, sparked a new and inspiring regeneration. A new beginning today, right now.

2 Wrongs Don't Make It Right

I did everything to secretly get something from you and when I saw that I really didn't want it, I blamed myself for the foolishness.

USPS

My ego demands overnight shipping, with confirmation and a tracking number. My heart is just fine with media delivery.

March Madness

Opposition is nothing more than secretly wanting to gain favor from you or to be right. If I find something truthful, why must there be a need to inform you? The ego thinks it sees truth, but it is blind to it. This is apparent by it's screaming out that, what it thinks it has found, you need to know.

Waste Management

God does not waste and nor should you. He will completely fill all of your jars and help you settle all your debts. Be aware of your inabilities and deficiencies. When all of life's jars are gathered and filled, the oil will stop flowing. Don't waste the earth's amazing resources. Don't squander what is given you. Never take the daily light for granted. Pay close attention to what you use. Measure exactly what you need and leave the rest for others or for another time.

1. I must remind myself daily
2. I have to have help.
3. I can't do it on my own
4. I must embrace my difficulties

2Kings 4:1-7

A 1000 Miles From Somewhere

Henry David Thoreau once said that, "the inner world was equally as vast as the outer world." I have a ways to go in many areas of my life. Relationships, for instance, provide me with an opportunity to see that I may not be as unified as I think I am. If I am one way when alone and another way, when with others, I am divided. If I am divided then I am not whole. I am not complete. When perceived properly, there is a vast opportunity to heighten my awareness to becoming a complete, unified and undivided person. To be one person, whether alone or in a chaotic crowd and to witness the act of separation should it happen.

Alto

Halt your attempts to pass on what you yourself cannot follow.

The Life

"If anyone would come after me, he must pick up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good is it if a man gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit his very self." Luke 9:23-25

I were a silver cross and chain around my neck. I do not wear it on the outside, for if I did, my ego would get involved and I have enough of that. I wear it close to my heart. I know where it is. I also know how difficult it is. My friend Mark stated, in a group discussion last Saturday, "Thank God there is another way." "If anyone would come after me," implies that there is effort involved. It also declares that anyone is eligible and should you choose this way today, that you are not unique and you must forfeit such ideas. This is oneness with all things, not separate. It is He who has prepared the way for you. It is a time for conscious celebration. r

Wind Chimes

Wind chimes are heaven's door bells. They remind us there is something higher we should be doing. r

To Want the Life

To hear the wind again and be undivided is truly a blessing from God. I would rather be chained to a chair at the gates of hell than to be artificially slumped over a fence of melancholy and seperation. Everything is necessary. Everything is relevant. Momentum is pertinent and the Calvary always arrives. r

Terrorists

I must learn to watch my thoughts. I must know the way. Within these thoughts are great armies, disguised and embedded. They look to attach. They look for me to think I am them. These are not the thoughts of a madman or a wise man, they are simply passing clouds. Do I intentionally desire this noise? Many times I resolute myself, in a promise to do so, only to fall back to sleep. Watch, just watch. r

Shhh!

The only time my wife's snoring bothers me is when I am not sleeping.

Come Back To Yourself

I see you have been away. How was the trip? What great things were accomplished and more importantly, what do you remember? I was surprised to see you go. There are wonderful things around the corner. I watched how closely and familiar things were becoming. I am not surprised by your exit, but I knew you would come back. I now know that about you. It is okay. These things happen when you force your hand. There seems to be so much out there, but even in it's epitome, things never culminate, they just kind of spin around. It requires a large amount of energy and excitement to keep those things going. I would imagine it has become boring, redundant and unyeilding, that is why you are back here. I am glad. I have missed you. Let us go a little more slowly this time. Try not to get too serious with things. You can start where you are. I have never required more than that. What you have gained, whether you are aware of it or not, is of great importance. It is the backbone. It will remind you of why you have chosen to work along a different line. Be more alert, but remain still. Take one concept at a time, daily. You cannot do it all at once, but you cannot remain idle either. Be more aware of the tapestry. Try not to focus so much on a single thread. I am glad you have decided to come back to yourself. Let us get started ... r

Is It Live Or Is It Memorex?

I awoke this morning troubled, so my program kicked in (after what seemed months) and begin to look for the source of trouble. I looked over there, under this and behind that. I could not touch it. I could not see it and I could not hear it. I begin to investigate as to the location of this great and evil power, but could not find any source nor any real connection. I gazed around the room, in which I sat, but could find nothing. Where was it? I have felt this "presence" on numerous occasions, but could only attach a physical symptom. I could find no source. Many times, in the presence of this unknown, I have taken or executed several known remedies to alleviate this presence. They did not help, but merely delayed such re-occurrences. I could find no army. I could find no name. I could not cut away any abnormality. I remember as a child how I would pretend and daydream. Now that I am older, my day dreaming has turned into nightmares. When age presents itself with cynicism, it is no wonder that years spent in illusion, now, begin to haunt. Solomon once said, "Do not wait until you get old to gain wisdom, because then you will not see so well, hear so well or walk so well." I came across something that Christ said, in Matthew 12:44, ah, eureka! If there is contempt, prior to investigation, nothing is gained. As long as I tread along a spiritual line, the answers always come. That is what I am most thankful for. r

Marked Key

It is impossible to know contentment as long as you desire stimulation and purpose. What do you want? You cannot have both. r

Children's Chewable Vitamins

When we are sick, we should rest and not take something to put us where we think we should be. There is much to learn when we forfeit our stand on the podium. Your ideas about yourself are hurting you. They have made you ill because, although you think you know what is best for you, you are wrong. This is a chance to be still and to not fight with anyone or anything. This is an opportunity to see that it is not what we do that is important. It is giving us another opportunity to slow down and become conscious. To be aware of ourselves as we are. No one lives their life knowing what they are doing. They live for the future, in the next sensation or the next result. They sacrifice themselves daily, driven towards things other people have said are precious and these beliefs are making them ill. Wake up and stop believing you are them and that their ideas are right. No one likes now, especially you! Now, to most is, at best, uncomfortable. You can start Now by embracing your discomfort. Leave yourself alone for awhile and get well. r

Inspector Gadget

The I has accomplished many wonderful things. There is an array of awards, trophies, certificates, medallions and possessions. They are sentimental at best. To leave them standing alone, and by themselves, is hard to do. They are reminders and memories and must be left where they are. They cannot enter today and must be left behind, for now, for good or for worse. Watchfulness must be consistent and observation passive. To find contentment with the unknown in the midst of the present. r

Value is in the eye of the beholder

To Mike

Hey Mike, I shipped your scales. They said Monday. No one ever bothers me. I enjoy the company of every human being I have ever known. I can get something from even the mean and condescending. Send me your website info, I will buy something from you. No problem. Do you really think we own anything, that things are ours? We just distribute with one another, we do not own anything. Everything will work out for you. Keep the goods things like kindness, love and understanding. Let everything else go, especially hatred and worry. By the way, I have a concealed handgun license and carry a Taurus 1911SS. I hope I never have to use it. Randall

Ghosts

What ever you were coming into this, on certain levels, you still are. Be willing to progress along a different line. A line that is not of that, but that you faintly see in the rear view mirror. r

Choices

Negative feedback is about the choices they make, not the ones you give them. r

Lone Wolf

I noticed something about this fellow that appeared different. He had a passionate way about him and exercised it in everything he did. There was nothing short in his desire for living. He experienced and accomplished many great things in his life, but they never seemed to satisfy him. There was an arrogance about him too, yet, he would never look you in the eye. His stature was larger than his medium build. Even in his older age, he was very fit and you could see that he prided himself in his appearance. They say these things are common in Texans. There was an openness about him. I don't believe he ever met a stranger. He was kind and helpful to people. Not an open, blatant giver, but one who chooses his own action with precision and, most importantly, completion. He often felt guilty for not doing more. He had a keen sense of knowing where the deficits were. His greatest obstacles, however, came when he was alone. He was easy to read. His inner conflict matched his outer persona. He remained fixed in his quests. He would never waiver from what he believed. He would openly and verbally describe where he stood. He threw no punches. I liked that about him.
He was not from around here. You could peer deeply at him and not see one ounce of pride. It was as if he knew pride once, but it had been stripped from him. You could sense an unguided anger about that. There was a nonviolent air about him also, but I would shy away from backing him into a corner. He loved pistols and would often carry one, but you knew he hoped he would never have to use it. He came from a rough and rugged childhood, like a secret society you can never understand or belong. He never used it as a trump card nor allow himself to be lumped into a genre. This was considered commonplace to him. If there were an ounce of pride, you would find it here. His father passed a while back, but he would never speak of him. There was a quiet resentment present accompanied by an unspoken forgiveness. He had family, but only visited from time to time. His life had evolved and it no longer included them. He was always a bit saddened by this.
He raised two children and was very fond of his relationship with his wife. He encouraged education and the attainment of knowledge. Both children received college degrees. He and his wife had four between them. Though not the scholarly type, he was nothing short of a master in all that he found precious. He was a survivor. He fancied music and the arts. He was a builder and creator. These attributes he held on the highest of pedestals and possessed very little sentimentality. He exhausted this talents to the fullest. A jack of all trades, master of none. It was rare that he ever returned to anything that he had tried or mastered. There was always something new to see, something different to do. He often had great spells of anguish and depression if there were no obstacles to overcome. Though he lived a passionate life, he found no sense of accomplishment or direction when he set out to conquer his spiritual side. This was his greatest blunder. He could do pretty much anything he set his mind to, but this remains his greatest obstacle: Understanding himself. Maybe this is where he will finish. Maybe this will be his last hurrah, but don't tell him that. r

Viral Intervention

Today's request:

Not too serious and not too lightly, rather, seriously lightly.

Embracing Difficulty

It is Love that reaches the far corners of the earth, not your will. Do not resist difficulty. Embrace it to better understand, then release it to the winds of change. It is your ideas about results and success that will be your downfall, not your effort. r

Synapse

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

You see a separation in the first line of the first paragraph, don't you? In Reality, we are not separate from anything, we are one. Never separate yourself from what is eternal. You can't anyway. Try to see this. Does God give you options? Why should he, he doesn't think like you? Man and you do the optioning. If you see your true powerlessness, then you may see something else. You may see an inability, good, remain in that mystery. Man doesn't see it this way, he feels he must DO something to exist. He desires certainty, but you can be different if you know.
Let us go back to the first sentence:

How would you be if you knew this?
How would you be if you were already eternal?

Be that way.

r

eHow To God

The Wind blows where it may.
You hear It's sound, but,
You do not know what direction it comes from,
Or where It is going.

You, Me, I and We

Funny how anytime I write it is inevitable that the word you, me, I or we is referred to. As if there is a point of origin or direction that needs to be established in order to confer a point. In times of difficulty, "I" is the prevailing theme. We here this "I" resounding again and again in thought. Many times we yearn to remove ourselves from this "I" but, getting out of and changing are not the same thing. It comes down to what we are living from. Often, I and we get jumbled together as if they were different. In reality, they are the same. Both are used together as a point of emphasis, used to separate, displace or find common ground. This is simply generalization and provides no proper method of, "getting out of". There can be no You, Me, I or We if we truly want to be removed from ourselves. This only bundles and causes more confusion. Getting out of, is a condition by which we allow the You, Me, I or We to exist, but rather than scream out for detachment or unification, simply watch how these four entities try to unite or separate. We must choose to acknowledge them, but we do not let the watching self be guided or directed by them. We let them exist. They have no power to help or separate. Our help is the retiring of this unification and this "absence of unification" is our only source of real strength. r

Song Like Mine

Streams of light,
fall gently from the sky,
and I have no desire,
to be what I've been.

Sweet desire,
like the rush of roses
spring freshly
from places I've never been.

Hug myself,
without contempt
knowing not
where I stand.

Feeling the dawn,
a heavenly mist,
like the light gaze,
from this room I sit.

Breathing reigns
this worldly castle,
and touches, Yes!
this truthful heart.

Sing loud,
sing long.
Give it your all,
to this, your song.

r

The Dying Body

There is no cure for the dying body. I know many of you are sick or have some physically chronic condition that ails you. I know how you struggle with those things. We dedicate a great portion of our life to feeling physically good and we spend a lot of money on maintaining that. On certain levels, it is okay to nurture those things. I was listening to a podcast on superwisdom.com. One of the co-costs, Fred, said something that stirred this writing today. To summarize awkwardly, he said something, to the effect, that it is great for one to know they are alive and how precious a gift that is. We we spend so much energy on making sure that we feel good all of the time, according to our precipices, that we fail in maintaining any kind of truthful balance. In essence, these are only a small part of things, but the picture is much bigger. Can you not see the consumption of "feeling." If I identify with "feeling good," what will happen when I feel bad? Isn't feeling bad from the part as feeling good? I allow myself to be puppet-like, in that, all of my life centers on the physical, (not excluding thought and feeling). And WHEN my body withers, am I going to object to it? (Vernon Howard talk You are not your physical body, 1-16-1977) And AS my body begins to wither am I going to object? The body does wither. Get the help you need, of course. Do the best that you can, but stop fighting! Oh, this "MY!" I encourage you to take a chance on this one. Sooner or later you will have to face yourself. You have everything to gain. Watch how the pendulum whirls you around. See it? I hope you will check out the unique and age-proven principles on the website. Unlike the body, they are tried, true and now. Why you ask? Because no one else is doing it quite like this. What answers do you now have for yourself? r

Underground Cable

A single thread of selfishness,
has the strength to hoist the weight of the entire world,
and all of it's contents.
Though not impossible,
the denial of one's self will not be easy.
Approaching daily,
moment by moment,
step by step,
one day at a time,
is within your reach.

r

Post Pardon

I have approached a realization about myself,
and it comes in questions.
Why must there always be something wrong?
Either everything is real, or nothing is real,
Whether that be true or untrue, why must I concern myself with it?
What great evil power am I at the mercy of?
What is wrong with leaving myself alone, and
just leaving the questions blank?
What if God doesn't condemn?
What if there is no sin?
Why are drugs taken for conditions?
Why can't I just exist as Myself?

Unmarked Grave

The fighting had become very intense
and dreadful pain and suffering were all around.
Retreat was inevitable,
falling more and more,
letting go beyond all points,
to a commending of the body.
Falling and sinking
deeply within an unknown abyss.
To a space where there was no I,
quiet, still, selfless, within the breath
of an unnamed Presence, effortless,
timeless. No thought, no pain, no heart beat.
Joyous tears abounded,
in angelic proportions,
There was Glory,
There was Peace
Thy will be done.

Dizzy

Today, I have been clean for ten years. It was never about using or not using. Although symptomatic, the bases of a successful program is in the finding of a life to live that is not CONTROLLED by drugs. A foundation must be found if one is going to survive the vicious onslaught of addiction. One that doesn't waver when you do. Today, I can only strive to stand on a stronger foothold than me. I must continually investigate. I must accept the fact, no matter how crude, that I will always waver. It is not the waver, nor the "I" that wavers, that is the foundation upon which i stand. r

Clean Sheets

In a few days, I will celebrate 10 years of clean time. Though I was hospitalized 3 times in 2010 (which meant taking certain prescriptions), I continued to try and work a spiritual program in my life. That was the hard part. As I reflect on those early days, in treatment, the best I could do was make my bed. Today, the best I can do is make my bed. r

Mystery

Those with the most uncertainty,
possess a heart that truly beckons God.
There is only one way strength,
may be harnessed and it lies quietly,
in perfect humility.

...as it is in Heaven

Gabriella’s Song – As It Is In Heaven
Py Bäckman
Helen Sjöholm

It is now that my life is mine
I’ve got this short time on earth
And my longing has brought me here
All I lacked and all I gained

And yet it’s the way that I chose
My trust was far beyond words
That has shown me a little bit
Of the heaven I’ve never found

I want to feel I’m alive
All my living days
I will live as I desire
I want to feel I’m alive
Knowing I was good enough

I have never lost who I was
I have only left it sleeping
Maybe I never had a choice
Just the will to stay alive

All I want is to be happy
Being who I am
To be strong and to be free
To see day arise from night

I am here and my life is only mine
And the heaven I thought was there
I’ll discover it there somewhere
I want to feel that I’ve lived my life!

Reprise 01/11/01

...but then again, revolt, is just another word for approval....

Corporal Punishment

I grew up on my own and equally, in the same manner, have grown into a man. The things I learned from man are not the things I have embraced over my lifetime. In my early years I learned about things I struggle to unlearn today, the things that men do. The things men have always done. Those things like winning at all costs, awards, Pride and Vanity, defending, protecting, worrying, fear and results, are things I was never really interested in. I mimicked their ideas and their games. I don't have to do that. I don't want to do that. You will never be able to imprison one's soul. It is free and that is the way it is. That IS the way it is. I let society lie to me and, as a child, I believed them. I lived their way for many years. Now, I live in revolt, not resistance, but revolt. They do not wish for me to do so. If I chose to be wrong, then I may also choose to go another way. Men like it easy. They spend a great deal of time on learning magic tricks and devising many new sleeping pills, but it comes down to their fear of people like myself. I am not responsible for that. I am not responsible for them or too them. I thought life was about being like them. I do not wish to play the games they play. They do not realize it, but they are teaching me to be different. I only wish to play, they want to race. I wish to find my own way, they have a way for me to follow. I want to believe, they have an answer to that, as well. I want to doubt, they have faith. I want to question, they want to answer. They want me to believe that we are all in the same boat. I am in my own boat. A Socializing man is a lazy man. Inward independence is a man's only call. r

Synthetic

It is never as bad as our mind tells us it is going to be.