Upon Further Review

I cannot write too much. I cannot review and go over my life enough. I cannot seek forgiveness too often. Living in my past is not the intent, or is it? Am I still being badgered by something familiar or have I just learned to run faster, to be a better magician? The amount of pain in my life seems to be equal to the amount of deception that continues to stir up echoes. I see much deeper questions: Am I still desiring my father's approval? Do I live my life seeking the approval of others? Is there still present, a significant other, that I desire to hear that what I have done or that what I am doing is good or is being smiled upon? Is this what motivates me? Is this my secret inspiration? Have I not yet learned that I am okay and have I not yet learned to approve myself (to forgive myself)? Odd as it may seem, when there is a "good job" spoken, or a "its beautiful" mentioned, there is no inward satisfaction or contentment. Yet, I continue to tip toe around, working and living in secret from others and verbally lying about great things I have done or can do, all so that I may set-up and reject commendation from the one's I desire approval. There is anger and resentment present. This is what darkness can do. This is what my false nature does. If I knew I could view my inner world in complete safety, there would be no roadblocks from guilt. There would be no smokescreens of judgement or slashes of condemnation. If I could just hold out long enough these angry, bashing and constant waves may dissipate, but as long as I refrain from seeing them, as long as I continue to hold out without standing up and seeing them for what they really are, their attacks will never relinquish. I see that the need for approval is a sick hoax. Today, I will make something beautiful, take a step back, smile and then move on.