Vanity and the Pursuit of Happiness

On January 10th, in the wee hours of the morning, I sprang from my bed as if someone had knocked at the door. I was not surprised by the sudden snap from sleep. I had carried it to bed with me the night before. Actually, it was something I had been dragging around all day and had hoped it would go away. Like a wood splinter, it sat around and had now festered into a painful sore. I was now awake and had no desire to fight back to sleep and probably couldn't if I tried. I walked into the kitchen, made coffee and sat down with the intention of seeing what was causing my ailment. At first, I assumed my daily routine of answering emails, checking ebay for sale items and looking at the latest sporting news. After several futile attempts at changing how I was really feeling, I decided to give in and let whatever wanted to happen, happen. I had just caught a glimpsed into the emptiness of my life. I know what I would have done in the past, I would have masked this marked emptiness with drugs, alcohol, anti-depressants or sleeping pills, but in this new and chosen life, however, I do not have those dubious luxuries. I must see my pretentious living. I must look at my pride, my vanity and how my ego obsesses over the illusory annointing of futility, purpose and the pursuit of outward trophies and psuedo-happiness. These are the characteristics of my empty world. These are the appetites and thirsts that are never quenched, never satisfied and never yield but more of the same. A circle if you wish. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the pursuit of outward treasures, but don't think for one minute, that they can add anything to your inner life. They are different and must be keep separate from all interior involvement. This can be quite a shock, especially for someone who has never thought to look at depression this way. It is the only healthy way I have found to give me any lasting relief from despair. To actually stop and look at it is a courageous and heroic path. To let something painful sit around for as long as it likes. I have found that the winds of awareness are very powerful and can whisk away these false feelings, but they must be met head-on with all the daring you can muster. Like my friend Tom said, "It won't hurt you to hurt." Like the dawning of the morning sun and oh how brightly it shines. I will leave you with an excerpt from Vivekananda:

"There is only one real desire: to know what is true, to be spiritual. No more materialism, no more of this egoism. I must become spiritual. Strong, intense must be the desire. If a man's hands and feet were so tied that he could not move, and then a burning piece of charcoal were placed on his body, he would struggle with all his power to throw it off. When I shall have that sort of extreme desire, that restless struggle to throw of this burning world, then the time will come for me to glimpse the Divine Truth."

The aim must be to no longer allow oneself to be imprisoned in a confused, and falsely tried, state. Blessings, r