Upon Further Review

I cannot write too much. I cannot review and go over my life enough. I cannot seek forgiveness too often. Living in my past is not the intent, or is it? Am I still being badgered by something familiar or have I just learned to run faster, to be a better magician? The amount of pain in my life seems to be equal to the amount of deception that continues to stir up echoes. I see much deeper questions: Am I still desiring my father's approval? Do I live my life seeking the approval of others? Is there still present, a significant other, that I desire to hear that what I have done or that what I am doing is good or is being smiled upon? Is this what motivates me? Is this my secret inspiration? Have I not yet learned that I am okay and have I not yet learned to approve myself (to forgive myself)? Odd as it may seem, when there is a "good job" spoken, or a "its beautiful" mentioned, there is no inward satisfaction or contentment. Yet, I continue to tip toe around, working and living in secret from others and verbally lying about great things I have done or can do, all so that I may set-up and reject commendation from the one's I desire approval. There is anger and resentment present. This is what darkness can do. This is what my false nature does. If I knew I could view my inner world in complete safety, there would be no roadblocks from guilt. There would be no smokescreens of judgement or slashes of condemnation. If I could just hold out long enough these angry, bashing and constant waves may dissipate, but as long as I refrain from seeing them, as long as I continue to hold out without standing up and seeing them for what they really are, their attacks will never relinquish. I see that the need for approval is a sick hoax. Today, I will make something beautiful, take a step back, smile and then move on.

Cascade

If you think we are all the same, try loading a dishwasher with another person.

Time Table

So you think wisdom and age are the same thing? If you wait until you get old to gain wisdom, there are things that will begin to occur that influence your receptivity. Solomon said not to wait, because you may not see so well, walk so well or hear so well. It is already much steeper than you think, so imagine not having all of your faculties. When the faculties wither, what will you do then? I know what you will do. You will call on God to provide energy or understanding to keep you afloat. He will not, because Truth is not your ideas, your thoughts or your body. You can thank HIM for being something higher. You do not consider this, do you? You think you will live forever. You think you are your body, your thoughts and your ideas, but the body will fade, thought will increase and your ideas will be of no more use. Christ's words are eternal. Your ideas about Christ's words are finite. Seek the things that cannot fade and begin to live from that. Start now!

Post Up

"In the world but not of it," does not mean I am are not in the world. I occupy both time and eternity. Where am I facing and where I see myself is an acknowledgement of this consciousness.

Texas Wild Fires

If a man walks into a fire, thinking God will put it out, he will most likely get burned by it. The "good self" cannot reform the "bad self", (Vernon Howard). I need not continue to face the fire. Darkness demands that I live in conflict, suggesting that my philosophies and opinions make me unique. That I must personalize with my strife, and fight, to rise above it or separate myself from people, in other words, to "fix" the tension. This is what a sick, secret society does. Cannot I not turn my back to it, all of it? Darkness wants to get me cornered. When I try to create a mental truth, I am unconsciously, separating myself from oneness with what is good. I am learning that the bad self is an isolated, secret self. A self which totally operates within the boundaries of the mind. It's life spring is not life, but a constantly streaming film of mental images to which I personalize. It fuels illusions. There is no basis for what it does. It is not connected to anything. I turn myself over to it constantly, fueling more fire. Subsequently, all my relationships are based on this process: The need to be right, to be desirable, yet different. It is impossible to be above and with at the same time. Can I not see these conversations? The good self cannot reform the bad self. What direction must I turn? I don't know, but I must look at the direction I am facing and ask myself: Am I getting burned?

Guilt

Guilt is an illusion of not being. Whenever I feel guilty, it is because something has bumped into a memory. Something has re-occurred. It is not new and needs a neutral investigation (especially if I have sensed this illness before) on my part. I have created a sensation or feeling and that feeling is entirely based on a memory, past experience, previous response or ideation as to what I think, or others think, I need to be. I am in conflict. It is a condition that has originated in my mind and it can, and usually, involves others. I have allowed a philosophy or doctrine, about whatever, to lead into an imaginary world of white houses and white picket fences. My response to this phenomena is negative. I act because, inwardly, I feel inadequate. Do others try to create this way of life in me? Absolutely, because man is evil. Man is not to blame because he is asleep. No one is to blame, because that starts it all over again. I cannot blame myself or point a finger, either. Am I to live according to their principles? Absolutely not, but I don't see that I do. I am asleep. I hand myself over every time and it is the motivator in everything I do and I resent it deeply. That is obvious because I am not happy. What about my body? What about desire and passion? What about those identifications with what I think I should be? It is all relative and I should look at this pattern. I must break off these relationships. It is hard to do if I am constantly fed the food of artificial stimulation. In other words, my identifications are joined not with who I am, but with who I think I should be. Try to see this.

Best Prayer

I want to be different. Help me.

Marinating

It is better to work with a principle for a few days, then to constantly hammer away at daily insights.

Ride Like The Wind

So you are sitting there and don't know what to do. Your body does not have the want to entertain this mental energy. Close your eyes. Take a deep and purposeful breath. Watch closely your mental thoughts, see the images as they race across the screen. Let those pictures of you, and even me, flow past. Listen. Let things settle down. Relax your body. Let it go. If you see images, that were of some previous importance, let those go too. Clear the mechanism. There is a different energy here. A positive one that does not need your guidance. Let it take hold of you, now, without thought. Breathe deeply and relax. "The wind blows where it may. You hear it's sound, but you do not know the direction it comes from or where it is going. So it is with those born of the spirit." It is okay to get up now. Open your eyes. You may proceed, but notice where you are and what you are doing. Don't rush. Take it all in, casually. Know that you breathe, that you walk, that you sit and that you eat.

On The Hunt

Fanatical Dogmas demand that one must take up his hammer and tear down the walls to the kingdom of heaven, but there remain a quiet few who suggest that an individual learn to remove himself, become the hunted and let Truth find him.

Regeneration

Lay down your books, put away your sword and armour and go experience the world. Involve yourself with your life and the daily gifts and beauty that surround you. See what is there. The books will wait and the shield never again needs to be picked up. You have enough knowledge crammed in there. It will come out when it is right. You have yourself, but do not know it. Even the ants have become more proficient than you.