House of Bluz

I fail miserably at life running. Even in the presence of total defeat, I still think I know the right path to take. One can have complete defeat and still not surrender. One can be at the door of an eternal madhouse and still have a death grip on himself. Idle mindedness is like honey and without consciousness, I am devil bait. I have drifted for a long time and have taken on massive amounts of water. I am not a messenger of God. He never anointed me with that role, I did. I am evil and the worst kind. I delve in the pleasures of passion and desire while reading the scriptures. I am the worst hypocrite. I cannot stay awake long enough to gain any ground against despair, depression, anxiety, loneliness and helplessness. The pain has transcended to my heart, my mind and my body. There is only a light flicker. I am consumed. You suggested a way out for me and may yourself have felt these attacks also, but you do not have them now and without that presence, you have no authority. Like to likenesses. I will seek them out, despite what the mystics say for there is nothing else. You say one sick person cannot help another, but you have forgotten the power to love and be loved, and most importantly the power of hope. Somewhere along the lines, someone lied to you and you lied to me. We have been living with it every since. I do not think like you do. I am not dubious. There is something enticing about dark graves to me, I am not afraid of them. No one can ever hurt me like I did. No one can ever hurt me like I do. It is not you that I fear, it is me. It is my inward strife. I sense that I am hurting others and have no right to do so. It is not my intention to hurt others, of which I too belong, but I cannot help you right now. I am too weak to carry your cross. I must speak, now, openly and frankly. I have been quiet too long. I have been in content long enough. I have something I wish to relieve myself of. I first stand before my teachers and admit my hypocrisy, but they already know it. Secondly, I stand before my friends and loved ones, yet they too, already know it. Lastly, I stand before myself and scream out for justice, yet surprisingly, this is the first I have known about it. I have not heard the resounding echoes because of my evil vanities. I can no longer lean on superficial and recited words that are not my own. Here are my words (for my own good):

I have lived quietly as a separatist. I thought I was right and the world was wrong. I have been held captive for some time now and do not know what is going on. I thought I knew what balance was, but my thinking has become painfully patternistic. I have lost the ability to serve, therefore, I have only selfish interests. I have built something that has closed me off and now I wish to be free from it. I do not know how. What I truly want is to be free of pain. r