Using Physical Illness

"One of the greatest illusions we have is that we are in charge. You get a pain somewhere, you get ill, that seems and does challenge the illusion that "I am in charge of myself all of the time." You are not and something other than your vanity is taking you over. It is a very common practice for those who understand these things and have studied them deeply, that sick people in hospitals get depressed because they have lost "their former control" of their lives. Here I am sitting back, helpless and I am suppose to be the world's greatest conquerer. That is one way, simply see how getting sick gives you a sense if inadequecy, a weakness at being at the mercy of something. What are you at the mercy of when you are sick? What great evil power is taking over your life? Do you understand that we are going to, eventually, have an illness that will put an end to our physical life? Are you going to object to that? Doctors and hospitals are connected with it, yes. We understand that on a certain level, if you are ill, to do everything possible to make yourself well. What is wrong with that? Also, what is wrong with not fighting with something you can't change? Are you going to change the fact that you are going to get deep lines in your face when you get old? Are you going to walk with a cane when your 80, should you live so long? God intended that you should get to be 80 years old or should need a cane. Do you know better than God how to control your life. Do you want to be 20 all your life? Who wants to be 20?"

A Talk by Vernon Howard 11/06/76

House of Bluz

I fail miserably at life running. Even in the presence of total defeat, I still think I know the right path to take. One can have complete defeat and still not surrender. One can be at the door of an eternal madhouse and still have a death grip on himself. Idle mindedness is like honey and without consciousness, I am devil bait. I have drifted for a long time and have taken on massive amounts of water. I am not a messenger of God. He never anointed me with that role, I did. I am evil and the worst kind. I delve in the pleasures of passion and desire while reading the scriptures. I am the worst hypocrite. I cannot stay awake long enough to gain any ground against despair, depression, anxiety, loneliness and helplessness. The pain has transcended to my heart, my mind and my body. There is only a light flicker. I am consumed. You suggested a way out for me and may yourself have felt these attacks also, but you do not have them now and without that presence, you have no authority. Like to likenesses. I will seek them out, despite what the mystics say for there is nothing else. You say one sick person cannot help another, but you have forgotten the power to love and be loved, and most importantly the power of hope. Somewhere along the lines, someone lied to you and you lied to me. We have been living with it every since. I do not think like you do. I am not dubious. There is something enticing about dark graves to me, I am not afraid of them. No one can ever hurt me like I did. No one can ever hurt me like I do. It is not you that I fear, it is me. It is my inward strife. I sense that I am hurting others and have no right to do so. It is not my intention to hurt others, of which I too belong, but I cannot help you right now. I am too weak to carry your cross. I must speak, now, openly and frankly. I have been quiet too long. I have been in content long enough. I have something I wish to relieve myself of. I first stand before my teachers and admit my hypocrisy, but they already know it. Secondly, I stand before my friends and loved ones, yet they too, already know it. Lastly, I stand before myself and scream out for justice, yet surprisingly, this is the first I have known about it. I have not heard the resounding echoes because of my evil vanities. I can no longer lean on superficial and recited words that are not my own. Here are my words (for my own good):

I have lived quietly as a separatist. I thought I was right and the world was wrong. I have been held captive for some time now and do not know what is going on. I thought I knew what balance was, but my thinking has become painfully patternistic. I have lost the ability to serve, therefore, I have only selfish interests. I have built something that has closed me off and now I wish to be free from it. I do not know how. What I truly want is to be free of pain. r

Death

Fitting that I have chosen to sit down with myself and discuss the fear of death. When I was younger, I never thought of such things. Now that I am older, I can think of nothing else. Funny thing about age is that when you reach a certain timeline you begin to get older, faster. Where in the hell did all of this come from? Internal questions, that have laid dormant, now begin to seep to the surface. These are my ques, unless I am still under the heavy influence of drugs and alcohol or I have decided to live the rest of my life under the influence of said psychotropics. Enter the truth: I do not fear death, I fear the idea of death. This idea is based on my past experiences and the psychological delusions set in place by myself and others. I have allowed this. Mix in my ego, the king of illusion with the fight to sustain itself, and the idea of death, is on. What I think I am is now threatened. It will fight for existence, but does not and cannot exist in reality. It cannot be present except in the conditioned mind. It's whole world is based on the past (emotions, fears, feelings etc..) and can only project what it knows, the past. It's only life is in the past or the projection of the future, based on the past. It cannot exist in NOW. I do not exist in NOW. I choose past or future, so guess where the fear of death, or anything else, comes from? It does not come from NOW, it comes from past or future, none of which is happening or can happen. Try to see this. If death creates fear in me, and I will agree that any fear is bad and cannot be real (or based on anything), then death is the greatest illusion of my ego. The only REAL death that can occur is the death of my illusions and delusions concerning the IDEA of death or any other fear for that matter. This takes place only when I become conscious of my existence in NOW and the illusion of death burns away. How many times will I stand in the way of this new moment? How many more of these lower level attacks must occur before I began to understand something? When will I see that I am "in" the world, but not "of" it? When will I begin the real me from the invented me? Silly, silly me. r

Passive

Having the ability to, but not choosing to take a dominant part, Christ was a passive example of how one must go about his life, if he is ever to, naturally, come to certain truths about himself. This is contrary to how the world lives and operates, but think about the possibility of real freedom for a moment. I looked up the definition of the word, " passive." Now, we assume to know what passive means, but have we learned it's deeper, spiritual meaning? Let me give you a few more words or phrases to further the possibilities. This is from Merriam/Webster's dictionary on the word, passive:

receptive to outside impressions or influences
yielding
tending to not take an active or dominant part
make direct use of the sun's heat without the intervention of mechanical devices.

I would encourage you to spend some time with these definitions to see what you come up with. Maybe you can find a place for them as you go about your day, perhaps when dealing with others. The possibilities are endless. The further I get away from myself, the better I am able to see. These short, passive actions are memorable and easy to recall and they came right out of the dictionary. I personally translated the last phrase to mean: to make use of the light without the intervention of thinking. r

beyond thinking...

You do not know the kingdom of heaven. You do not even know yourself and how you operate. You are blind because you dream and scheme. You think your thoughts about Christ and your beliefs are the kingdom, but I tell you, you lie to yourself and you deceive yourself. Why? You deceive yourself because you hang on to yourself. You think you are your own master. This is how you want it to be. You serve your thoughts, your needs, your ideas and your pitiful deeds of good. I tell you, your goodness is self-destruction and deep within in you know this. You had better look into this. You had better want to change and be different from what you see or you will continue to hurt yourself and hurt others. This is what a sick society does and you are right there with them.r

Pulp Kitchen

The little things in life have the greatest influence on me. Those subtle little lessons that Truth places in front of me everyday. As I was preparing breakfast, I sat an unopened bottle of full pulp orange juice on it's side to shake it up. As soon as my hand left the handle, it was on it's way to the floor. Boom! Pulp kitchen! I know what my reaction has always been; cuss and scream, blame myself or another, whine, moan, kick the dog and throw the cat outside. But today, I wanted to be different. I wanted to change. So, I paused... and did nothing. I begin to mop up the orange juice letting my breakfast get cold. Then, it occurred to me: "You can't always build new, sometimes you have to stop and repair." I thought about this for a moment and realized that life can't always go the way I think it should (especially when I am asleep to what I am doing). Real freedom lies in waking up and seeing life happen and letting it do what it wants to do. If I will slow down enough, not only can I prevent some of these misfortunes but, when they do occur, see that repairing IS building new. r

Children, teach your parents well...

You can get up when you stop fighting with others. Let me re-phrase that: you can get up once you see that you are fighting with yourself. r

I Lie

Ah, you say, When the next one comes in that will be my place of rest. When I get the next job or the newest big screen or that new bicycle seat, that is where my happiness must be. Notice, deep down, that there is no way you can really believe that and if you are angry at me for saying that, it proves it. This is not bad, this is good! It is good to see how you lie. It is good to see how you blanket yourself with illusion. Lies have been the whole story of your life. Wouldn't it be better to say I have kidded myself into thinking "If I get this or throw away that I will be happy, but I have never been happy, therefore, I had better listen to a voice higher than myself?" Listen to that and let it tell me the whole story so that I can have a whole life. From a VH talk.

In the world, what you go after, what you await, what you get, will never be it. It must be told by something higher. Something not from society, nor from the battlefield inside of you. r