Intensely Casually

"God himself has made it possible for you to live without the
dark place and the pains that rush out and flood out and take
you over. Your choice of wanting to see and work is essential
to you if you want to get rid of your feeling of emptiness, of
futility. You've lied to yourself and said, 'I know what to do
to get rid of the pain.' You've never gotten rid of the pain
and that's evidence of self-deceit. You have to stop playing
cruel tricks on yourself. So stop. Now."

I keenly sense that in this excerpt, VH is explaining to me, the position and the attitude (mood) I should adopt in my daily endeavors. It is possible to find freedom when I start as close to the mouth of the river as possible. Not so much the river of life, but that apex of where light and darkness as I perceive it, begins. It is obvious, to me, that nothing can fruitfully happen if I do not stay in a constant state of awareness to and of that origin. As long as I continue to go to sleep, consciously, I will always drift back to those familiar and status quo "pain stages", (otherwise known as darkness, desire, passion, pseudo-happiness, nothing new, etc...) because they are stealthily deceiving. So where does this energy to stay awake come from. Well, I can tell you it doesn't come from the me I think I know. It comes from an original nature that I have allowed the world to mask. That world being my conditioned thoughts, attitudes and beliefs. This is overwhelmingly due the fact that I am ignorant and a surprisingly hard rock head. Finding a teacher like Christ, according to VH, involves "wanting to see and wanting to work." So now, I come to the origin of all gainfulness, that of WILLINGNESS. Willingness or willing to be willing is the rock I must perch atop to see the mouth of the river from which all things originate and regenerate. A free mind that sees everything and reacts to nothing so as to re-learn it's original God conscious nature. This is a narrow gate to pass through, because one of the many sleeping pills I take are self-guilt, self-judgement, self-condemnation and more importantly self-doubt, (furthering greater crimes against myself). So it will trickle down to small daily actions, small daily visions, little tiny baby steps and the ever present task of slowing down the speed rail machine in my head that thinks it knows. Moment by moment my friend, moment by moment. Blessings, r